Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
