i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
