i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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