i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you would pick up someone in the library
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Randomize
