theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
