I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
