____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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