I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
