Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
why is half of my head shaved?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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