Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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