Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
ttyl tear gas
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
