the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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