Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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