My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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