I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
