all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
