Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
