Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
