so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
