I think I died a long time ago.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
