I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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