I feel like I'm in dance class right now
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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