3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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