If that was your dad, he is hot
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
