ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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