Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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