Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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