i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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