please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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