we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
