The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
