fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
