If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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