how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
