the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
