I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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