There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
