I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
