This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
