Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I've blown a few things in my day
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
