Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Randomize
