dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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