I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
