I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
