I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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