Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I wish there were birth control emojis
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
