There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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