new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
