Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
