just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
