It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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